Yesterday I posted this image to Instagram, and although it’s what I wish I believed, honestly it’s a stretch to say the least. I don’t tend to post personal stuff here much, but I’m feeling the need to share for some reason, so here goes..
2016 for me has started with sleeplessness and anxiety. Work is quiet (eerily so) for the first time in years, Pinterest is full of inspiring, motivational quotes – ‘do more of what you love’, ‘follow your dreams’, ‘I can and I will’ – and I’m left feeling completely lost, painfully conscious that I have absolutely no idea what it is I want to be doing. I’m torn between the practical need to earn some cash to pay the bills, and the desire to stop, take some time out, and try to find a purpose, to work out what direction to head in. Everyone has an opinion about what I should do next, but every suggestion feels wrong or just out of reach. I’d do anything not to talk about it at all. The word ‘can’t’ swims around in my head, my impulses are always negative. Can’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, won’t. Is that fear? But I feel like it can’t be fear if I don’t actually know what it is I’m afraid of.
Who are you if you don’t have dreams? And don’t get me wrong, I do have dreams – to travel, to explore, to be present in my children’s lives, to be the best mum I can, to create a lovely home, to be creative – but when it comes to work it’s like my dreams all evaporate and my mind goes completely blank. There’s nothing there. Where’s my burning desire? Where’s my ambition? Where’s my sense of ‘me’? I seem to be the only person so clueless – everyone else exudes purpose, direction, dreams, plans. I feel like I’m all surface with no depth, like I’m missing some key part of myself.
The new year, with its sense of starting afresh doesn’t feel exciting this year, it makes me feel panicked, trapped, cornererd. I’m filled with anxiety, and it knaws away at my insides while I try to sleep at night, keeping away the rest I’m desperately aware that I need. The anxiety courses through me, my whole body seems to vibrate with it, and then during the day I busy myself with mundane household tasks, with sorting and decluttering. Because really that’s what I want to do with my mind, but I’m not sure how or where to begin.